Mary Sue's Diary
by Elaryn
Summary: Mary Sue tells us about her busy, busy day. Will she be able to win Sinestro's heart and stop his evil plans?


Mary Sue's Diary

June 5, Year Unknown

Dear Diary,

I was having a tough day, even for me. I had been in the middle of counseling Dracula. I mean, that guy has some serious issues, ya know? There's that whole vampire thing, plus the fact that he's hundreds of years old and the only people he knows are dead. (I still remember the night we met. He said I had a delicious-looking neck, then he tried that whole "look-in-my-eye" thing, but I'm immune, thanks to that trinket Rupert Giles and Buffy gave me.)

So I was in the middle of telling Vlad that he ought to brighten up the place a little and hang some colourful drapes when all of a sudden, my ring signaled me. It took me a moment to figure out WHICH ring. You see, I have so many! Was it the Green Lantern Corps ring? Or maybe my Star Sapphire ring? I wasn't feeling angry, greedy, hopeful or compassionate, so I ruled out red, orange, blue and indigo. Could it be Sinestro trying to recruit me again? I'd been trying to talk him out of being evil, too, but the last time I tried, he fired a blast from his ring and tried to cut me in half. When I dodged out of the way and tried a violet love crystal containment field, he blocked, smiled nastily then stroked his totally sexy moustache and gated away. (I think he _likes_ me!)

Well, anyway, I tried to figure out which ring was trying to tell me something. The ring the Flash gave me, with a cute, mini-skirted version of his costume? No, no. The Amazonite ring Wonder Woman gave me after she helped me save Paradise Island? The Ring of Atlantis? I had two of those: one from Namor and the other from Aquaman. (Very cool...it lets me breathe underwater and talk to sea creatures. The only problem is that now, I feel totally guilty when I eat at a seafood restaurant.) No, not that one, either. How about the Elven Ring Gandalf gave me when I travelled in time back to Middle Earth and talked Sauron out of being so mean? No, not that one (and besides, it doesn't talk...much).

Maybe it was the one Superman gave me. Back when he helped me save Metropolis (which time, I forget...that place always needs saving), he gave me a ring so we could signal each other. (He's soooo cute, and so sexy with his shy, boy-from-Kansas ways.) It turned out to be that one, so I smooched Vlad on the forehead and left him to look at drape samples.

I activated my Legionnaire's ring and flew out into the nighttime sky, dispersing a cloud of bats. (Eww! Totally icky! I hate when those things get tangled in my hair, and since it drags the ground when I walk - that is, if I don't have it up in my magic hairnet - having bats tangled up in your hair can be a MAJOR gross-out! Good thing I can talk to animals!)

When I arrived in Metropolis, there was trouble brewing. Lex Luthor had stolen the plans to forty pie-making factories. That's ten times four, and THAT'S terrible. I just knew I had to go talk to him immediately. I guess he'd forgotten what we talked about last time, about how he should learn to be more mellow and not quite so greedy. I left Kal-El to handle Lex's giant robots and flew off to talk to the man himself.

I confronted Mercy Graves just outside of Lex's office. She tried to give me the brush-off (and, incidentally, break my neck), but after dodging for a few minutes, I pulled out my phaser (set on stun, naturally) and stunned her. (Wasn't it sweet of Jean-Luc to give me a souvenir?)

"Lex," I said as I rushed into his opulent office, "what were you thinking? Talk to me, sweetheart...I can tell you're depressed."

"Damn it! Why does that fool in a cape have to ruin all of my plans," he shouted angrily. "And now..." He looked up and stared intently at me. In a flash, he had risen from his desk and crossed the room to take me in his arms. I looked up into his green eyes and gently stroked his soft, shiny scalp. "Just tell me he hasn't taken YOU, Mary Sue," he declared in a desperate throaty voice and kissed me with all his might.

Not that Lex isn't a good kisser (and believe you me, I've been kissed an awful lot, depending on which dimension I'm in, of course), but those robots of his were doing some MAJOR damage to the city, and I just knew I had to go help Clark before he had to go rescue a jet liner or an orphanage. So while Lex was smooching, I activated my Star Sapphire ring and enveloped him the Violet Light of Love.

"Lex, darling, you need to listen to me. Call back your robots and give back the plans for the pie factories. You can make your OWN plans, and they'll be a jillion times better. And maybe you can even get your giant robots to help. Okay?"

Lex smiled dreamily and called off the attack, just as Superman had to fly off to pull a kitten out of a tree. Men, I thought!

But that wasn't the end of it. My next distress call took me to a galaxy far, far away. I know it was also a long time ago, but since time and space have no meaning for me, I was there as soon as I could think about it. I arrived to the sound of sobbing. Poor, poor Padmé! How many times had I done marriage counseling for her and Anakin? I'd lost count.

After lunch with Obi-Wan and the Jedi Council (Yoda is SO cute!), I talked with Anakin and Padmé for hours, trying to help them work out their problems. "As I see it, I said, couples of mixed faiths just need to agree to disagree. Anakin, you want to seek out the Dark Forces and join their hellish crusade, and that's okay. People need to learn to respect EVERYONE'S way of life. And Padmé, you want to preserve democracy in the galaxy and promote Goodness. Maybe you could both declare home to be a neutral spot where you agree not to discuss religion or politics and concentrate on your relationship."

Well, after that, they were kissing and looking at each other with THAT expression, so I activated my Time Turner (thanks, Hermione!) and headed over to Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. I had a feeling trouble was brewing.

Sure enough, when I arrived, there was this enormous, fiery bird poised over the mansion. Yep, Dark Phoenix was back again. There was a damaged Shi'ar starship crashed in the swimming pool, and most of the X-Men looked down for the count, except for Kitty, who had phased into a tree to hide.

I called out to the bird-image. "Jean? Come on down and we can talk about this over coffee and doughnuts, okay?"

Jean's voice echoed weirdly from the sky as she said, "Dark Phoenix knows nothing of love OR doughnuts. Prepare to meet your end, Mary Sue!"

As usual, I nimbly dodged out of the way and shielded myself and the X-Men with my green power ring. I came back at her with a green energy net and parried another blast with my lightsabre. Things were looking a bit chancy for a few seconds until I drained the energy from Dark Phoenix using my black power ring. Jean fell to the ground looking dazed, and I dashed over to her and shook her gently. "Jean, you have to snap out of it. The universe needs you, and so does Scott."

She pouted slightly. "But Scott loves you. I read it in this thoughts."

"Well, everyone does, but I already told him that he needs to be with you. There's just no way I could settle down with anyone. My work is far too important. Besides, he loves you, too." She smiled then looked over at Cyclops, whose mangled form was wrapped around a tree.

"Oh, Scott! SCOTT!"

I pulled out my wand and cast a spell of healing over the entire area, instantly bringing the X-Men back to full health, resurrecting the Shi'ar who had been killed in the crash and restoring their ship.

Just then, there was the flash of a trans-dimensional gate and a jaundiced glare in the sky. There he was: Sinestro, looking as dapper as ever and holding something small and gleaming out to Jean. "Jean Grey of Earth, you have shown the ability instill great fear. I would like to offer you a place in my Corps!"

Jean wavered. I ran forward and cried, "No! Don't do it, Jean! You're so not about fear."

Sinestro turned and regarded me with a slight frown. "You again? Is there any place you are not?" He turned his attention back to Jean and said, "I'll return when the little pest isn't here. In the meantime, think about it." He vanished before anyone could say another word.

Jean shook her head and declared, "I'm so confused!"

"I know...let's have a girls' day out shopping: you, me, Kitty and Ororo. There's nothing like a day at the mall to clear your mind and set things straight." The girls squeed, and the gentlemen (even the usually staid Professor X), argued over who would get to accompany us and carry our packages. We settled on Nightcrawler and Wolverine and we were off!

Yes, nothing like a few hours in a fashionable mall to get things settled. By the time we were done, the boys were loaded with our purchases, and Jean was looking much more like her old self again. When we returned, the Professor took me aside. "How can we ever thank you, Mary Sue? You've saved the universe again."

"Oh, Charles, you big silly! It was nothing. Just keep our chess date open, and don't forget your physical therapy."

"Of course, though I must confess it can be a bit frustrating when you continue to defeat me."

"Well, practise make perfect, Charles!" I blew him a kiss and departed.

After leaving the X-Mansion, it was the usual flurry of activities: off to assist Professor Snape in making a potion, back to Middle Earth to help the Elves defeat an army of Orcs, off to Apokolips to scold Granny Goodness about trying kidnap budding superheroines for her Female Furies then off to Never-Never Land to have a word with Captain Hook and Smee about their nefarious activities.

After I was finished with the pirates, I used the Time Turner again and checked up on George Washington. (If it hadn't been for me, he never would have gotten the Declaration of Independence signed!) Everything was just dandy, so I went back to my apartment on Pandora to relax for a little while.

I awakened some hours later to find that I could not move my wrists or ankles. I opened my eyes to see a number of alien creatures surrounding me, and there, in their midst was Sinestro.

"Good morning, my dear," he intoned. "Feeling well rested?"

"All right, Sinestro," I said, "you had better let me go before the rest of the Corps comes looking for you!"

"Which one? You have so many different rings. Indeed, more than one for each finger. However do you manage to keep track of them all? And so many different devices and trinkets from other places. How very, very interesting."

I was outraged. The man was going through my possessions. Around him, his henchmen were guffawing and nudging each other. "Okay, Sinestro...this has gone far enough. You know that several people are about to come looking for me, you and your Corps might as well surrender now. Besides...you _know_ you're attracted to me. Everyone is. It's just a matter of time before you-"

"Do you think so, my dear? I suggest you think again."

Just then, I managed to move my fingers so that I could access the secret, invisible gem planted in one of my fingernails. "Honey FLASH!" There was a blaze of rainbow-coloured light, and suddenly, I was free! Sinestro's Corps scattered, but the man himself remained, regarding me calmly. "Well, Thaal Sinestro," I said whilst advancing on him, "are you going to take your medicine like a good boy, or do we have to do this the hard way?"

"Actually, I prefer to choose the _third_ option," he said.

"There IS no third option. The fact is that you're madly in love with me, and in fact, you're going to reform and ask me to marry you within the week. It's _ inevitable_." I had almost reached him. One kiss, and he would be mine. He held up a small box and grinned.

"Do you know what this is, alley rat?"

"N-no. No, I don't. Is it...is it for me? Is it a _ring_? Oh, Thaal...you DO care."

Sinestro gave a slight bow. "Your reputation precedes you," he said, a slight tone of amusement in his voice. Then he opened the box and pressed a small button. Oh no! Suddenly, I knew what he had. He...he wouldn't! "Do you fear me now, Mary Sue?"

Suddenly, everything went...

Epilogue

Lyssa Drak closed the Book of Parallax and gave Sinestro a curious look. "But how did you know that would defeat her," she asked.

"Quite simple, really. Mary Sue was not the only person capable of traveling though multiple dimensions. I noticed that she existed in a number of realties, collected the information with my ring then visualised a consolidated computer matrix. I could have pressed the 'delete' key anytime, but I must admit I wanted to see the look on her face." He permitted himself a dry chuckle.

"But...but there are multiple dimensions," protested Lyssa. "What will keep her from returning?"

"Yes," replied the Korugan, stroking his chin thoughtfully, "but there are contingencies against that, and I can always build another matrix. Now, let us return our attention to crushing our enemies and bringing the Universe to order. I believe we have already taken a crucial step in that direction with the destruction of Mary Sue."

*finis*


End file.
